Woe Is Me

Woe is me
What have I seen
The damned dog peed
All over my DVD machine

Woe is me
And twice woe
I lost my balance
And I stubbed my toe

Woe is me
It just isn't fair
I looked in the mirror
And saw I'm losing my hair

Woe is me
I hate my life
I came home and found
The milkman run off with my wife

Woe is me
I chased a mouse
Knocked over the electric fire
The curtains caught light and burnt down the house

copyright Chris Smith 2010

Wheelchair Blues

Here I am, leg in plaster

Nurse with a needle, after me

Forgot the brake, can't go faster

Now all I get is woe and misery



CHORUS

I got those wheelchair blues

Suffering those wheelchair blues

Hear my wheelchair blues

I'm singing those wheelchair blues



Rushing to get that elevator again

Going quick and my hands are sore

I'm just too slow, because then

I end up crashing into the closed door



CHORUS

I got those wheelchair blues

Suffering those wheelchair blues

Hear my wheelchair blues

I'm singing those wheelchair blues



Showing off and think I'm clever

Should have taken my painkiller pill

You won't stop and wish I never

My fault for trying to go down hill



CHORUS

I got those wheelchair blues

Suffering those wheelchair blues

Hear my wheelchair blues

I'm singing those wheelchair blues



At last I can get out of the chair

But things will never be the same

Because now it just ain't fair

They've given me a Zimmer Frame



CHORUS

I got those wheelchair blues

Suffering those wheelchair blues

Hear my wheelchair blues

I'm singing those wheelchair blues



I got those wheelchair blues

Suffering those wheelchair blues

Hear my wheelchair blues

I'm singing those wheelchair blues



copyright Chris Smith 1997

Toothache

I fancied something to eat
Something tasty and sweet
But what a mistake to make
When you are going to get toothache

Wanted a biscuit with my tea
But all I got was misery
As I got ready to munch
I felt a tooth go crunch

Now all I get is pain
So bad, it is hard to explain
No pain killers can help contain
This agony that is making me insane

So I paid the Dentist a fortune in money
Because toothache is not very funny
Fighting my fear of that drill
So I try to keep very still

 

copyright Chris Smith 1998

Those 12 Days Of Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas
My troubles gave to me........

12 unpaid bills
11 ringing cash tills
10 packets of batteries
09 invites to parties
08 year olds a screaming
07 unwanted toys redeeming
06 packets of dog biscuits
05 unwanted parking tickets
04 overdrawn credit cards
03 strange looking leotards
02 forgotten to buy turkeys
And a garage for those car keys

copyright Chris Smith 2010

The Nose Complaint

I don't think it is very fair
I seem to get ignored at times
Does anyone even notice me there
Who ever looks at the nose

Now the eyes, people look at
Even when upset, they get attention
I never get wiped gently like that
No one likes me if I run

Even the ears get a lot of fun
When romance is in the air
They get a visit from the tongue
I never get a tongue licking me

The mouth, it gets too much bliss
Not only does it get fed regular
But it sometimes gets a kiss
No one tries to give me food

I tell you, even when I'm unwell
People don't like touching me
And I have to put up with smell
You should put up with socks

 

copyright Chris Smith 2010

Sense Of Humour

I have my sense of humour

And I can always be here to relate

I could spread a rumour

But I might be too late



Poetry is a classic verse

Written with emotion and feeling

Maybe mine can be a bit worse

Like I am high on the ceiling



Everyone has a point of view

My rhyme might be crap

But they could be crap to you

I'd make a million if it was an Em 'n' Em rap





copyright Chris Smith January 2009

Mushroom Coffee

I drank a cup of mushroom coffee
With a friend, now long forgotten
We watched the walls change colour
From red to orange and to yellow
We laughed at the spider with too many eyes

I thought I saw my friend, fixing his van
But in reality, he had wandered upstairs
So I watched the TV and then it spoke
The voice seemed to be talking just to me
And then mister sandman fluttered nearby

My friend decided he wanted to take a walk
I agreed and I knew it was time to go home
And where I was amazed at technicoloured butterflies
My friend jumped away in alarm from the giant frogs
And I never drank a cup of mushroom coffee again

 

copyright Chris Smith 2010

Kiss Me Under The Missing Toes

The Christmas spirit is here again
And Hospital decorations are out again
More Doctors that you get in a Tardis
Putting up tinsel around the tree

A pretty sight greets you to come see
How they have decorated the Nurse's Station
Even a pretty hand made cardboard fairy
Adorns atop the little christmas tree

Maybe they should hang up this porter
Suspend me from the ceiling for all
Because I am an amputee, and it would be fun
For all to come and kiss me from under the missing toes


Copyright Chris Smith 11th December 2009